How Lassie Stole Shulesmas
by Kkarrie
Summary: Shawn and Jules down in Shulesville like Christmas a lot.


Shawn and Jules down in Shulesville liked Christmas a lot  
>But Lassie, who worked just north of Shulesville did not<p>

Lassie hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season  
>Now please don't ask why, No one quite knows the reason.<p>

It could have been the headache caused by all the lights  
>Or it could have been the greater number of bar fights.<br>But I think the most likely reason of all  
>May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.<p>

But,  
>whatever the reason the lights or the booze<br>he sat there in the police station hating on Shules.

Staring across from his desk, with his cold Lassie glare,  
>At his partner's workspace and the Psychic who was perched there<br>He knew that jokes were being told and whispers exchanged  
>For all he knew despite his complaints<br>that they'd locked lips under the mistletoe wreath.

"And they'll spend all night talking!" he snarled with a sneer.  
>"Next week is Christmas! It's practically here!"<br>Then he growled, with his Lassie fingers nervously drumming.  
>"I MUST find a way to keep those kisses from coming!"<p>

For tomorrow he knew... Shules and Gus, too  
>Would walk in bright and early, they'd interrupt his work.<br>And then! Oh, the ridiculous noise and psychic visions.  
>That's one thing he hated, those visions, visions, visions.<p>

Then those two, along with Guster, would sit down to a treat  
>And they'd eat treats, and eat treats,<br>Treats, treats, treats, treats,  
>They would start with Jamba Juice and have two a piece at least<br>Funny named smoothies were something Lassiter couldn't stand in the least!

And Then!  
>They'd do something he liked least of all<br>Shawn and Jules down in Shulesville,  
>Would stand close together, with their silly eyes twinkling<br>They'd stand hand-in-hand, and then they would start...  
>Lassiter wasn't even going to imagine that.<br>They'd kiss! And hold hands!  
>And they'd kiss and hold hands and be ridiculous.<br>And the more Lassie thought of the Shules-Christmas-Kiss  
>The more Lassie thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"<br>"For almost five years I've put up with it now!  
>I must stop this kissing from coming!<br>… but How?"

The he got an idea!  
>An awful idea!<br>Lassie, got a wonderful, awful idea!

"I know just what to do," he muttered to himself.  
>He made a quick note on his CL emblazoned letterhead.<br>And as he headed for more coffee, he almost did a little dance.  
>"With this rule in place, it'll squash all their romance!"<p>

"All I need is a scapegoat..."  
>Lassie looked around<br>But since scapegoats are scare, there was none to be found.  
>Did that stop Lassie?<br>No! Lassie simply said,  
>"If I can't find a scapegoat, I'll make one instead!"<br>So he called the rookie Buzz. Then he took his new rule  
>And he convinced McNab he needed it too.<p>

THEN  
>He loaded his coffee<br>With sugar and cream  
>In his personal mug<br>And waited on his scheme

Then Lassie grinned and smirked  
>As the rookie headed into<br>The chief's office where the chief  
>Would put an end to this silly thing called Shules.<p>

The next day it was dark, clouds and rain filled the air.  
>Shawn and Jules were all cuddling up to each other without care.<br>When Lassie complained about the PDA that was there.  
>"This is against the rules," Lassie told his partner with a hiss<br>And he headed for coffee, his personal mug in his fist.

The he headed for interrogation, to talk to a safe cracker.  
>And open and shut case, almost too easy for Lassiter.<br>He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.  
>Then the suspect confessed, just to a pigeon on a stool.<br>Lassie walked past O'Hara's desk afterwards  
>Smirking when he saw Spencer was nowhere to be seen or heard.<p>

He spent the rest of the day, with a smile most unpleasant  
>Filing paperwork and reports, like they were early Christmas Presents.<br>Larceny, smuggling, fraud and B&E's  
>Murders, muggings and even robberies.<br>He filled his personal mug thrice and then Lassie, who was almost happy  
>Handed in those reports to the front desk rookie.<p>

Then he slunk past O'Hara's desk. Which was still Spencer free.  
>He had gotten rid of the Shules-kissing. He'd thought to himself, with glee<br>He cleaned out his mug as quick as a flash  
>Then Lassie headed out to get some lunch.<br>He ordered his food at the local delicatessen  
>Still smirking to himself, "Looks like O'Hara and Spencer have learned their lesson."<p>

And Lassie reached for his sandwich to take a big bite  
>When he heard a small sound like a mouse full of might.<br>He turned around fast and saw to his dismay  
>Juliet-Loo Who, his partner, who was less than amused.<p>

Lassie had been cornered by this fearsome young detective  
>Who was fed up with the nonsense of her childish partner<br>She stared at Lassiter and said, "Carlton, why?  
>Why are you against station kisses? Why?"<p>

But, you know, that Lassie was so smart and so slick  
>He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!<br>"Why, Juliet, that's absurd," the lying Lassie deflected,  
>"McNab's got a thing against public affection.<br>I'll talk to him about it right after this ham and cheese on rye.  
>I'll talk to him there and we'll clear it up in the blink of an eye."<p>

And his fib fooled his partner. Then he waved her away  
>And bought her a sandwich and headed on his way.<br>And when Juliet-Loo Who was sitting in a booth  
>Lassie headed to the station to make sure no one knew the truth.<p>

Then the first thing he did  
>When he got back to the station<br>Was to informed Spencer he should leave, to alleve the situation.

His partner was pissed  
>He convinced McNab it was his problem<br>Lassiter chalked up his day to being a good one.

Then  
>Lassie went to the shooting range<br>To shake off the feeling he thought was so strange  
>It wasn't his fault, he assured himself, shrugging<br>As he blew through targets pleasantly humming

It was a quarter past seven...  
>When Lassie headed home to rest<br>His partner still seated, right there at her desk  
>He packed up his glock.<br>And thought about how pleasant it would be in the morning.  
>With no kissing, or hand holding or visions to be annoying.<p>

Eleven hours later, Lassie was back at work.  
>The smile on his face could hardly be called a smirk.<br>"pooh-pooh on the Shules!" He was Lassie-ish-ly grinning.  
>"They're finding out now that no kisses are coming!"<br>"They're just getting here! I know just what Spencer will do!"  
>"His mouth will hang open and then he'll probably pout!<br>Then he'll have a vision and the chief will kick him out!"

"That's a vision," grinned Lassie  
>"That I simply must see!"<br>So he waited, and waited, while drinking his coffee.  
>And he did see something in the front entrance<br>He didn't believe it at first, but it held him in a trance

But the vision wasn't sad!  
>Why... this vision looked happy!<br>It couldn't be so!  
>But it was happy! Almost sappy!<p>

He stared at Shawn and Jules  
>Then Lassie rubbed his eyes<br>Then he gaped  
>What he saw was a shocking surprise!<p>

Shawn and Jules in Shulesville, were standing mere meters apart.  
>They were kissing! Right there on the other side of the door!<br>He hadn't stopped Shules kissing at all.  
>Somehow or other, they kissed just the same.<p>

And Lassie, with his coffee getting ice cold in his mug,  
>Stood puzzling and puzzling, "How could it be so?<br>It came without hugging, it came without mistletoe  
>It came with without handholding or any of those.<br>And he puzzled for what felt like hours, 'till his puzzler was sore.  
>Then Lassie thought of something he hadn't before!<br>"Maybe... kissing...," he thought, "isn't against the rules."  
>"Maybe kissing... perhaps... means a little bit more!"<p>

And what happened then...?  
>Well... in Shulesville they say<br>That Lassie's small heart  
>Grew three sizes that day!<br>And then minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight  
>He dropped his coffee on the floor and headed for the chief's office.<br>And he ripped up his note, and told her that rule had to go.  
>And he...<p>

… Lassie himself!  
>Provided the mistletoe.<p> 


End file.
